Comfort

“Come to me, all ye who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” – Matthew 11:28

That’s one of my favorite verses from the Bible. On nights like these, when all I can think about are the bad things in life, that verse gives me peace.

I guess I’ve been looking back over the past year, reflecting on all the changes and challenges Daryl and I have faced both together and separately…the two that stand out are my miscarriage early in the year, and my dad passing away at the end of September.

As with most things, I know how I should handle both of those things. I understand that grieving is natural and a process. I know that, no matter how small my relationship was with either our unborn child or my dad, it’s normal and perfectly acceptable to mourn the loss of both. But that doesn’t make it easy, or even possible!

I struggle so much with the grief. I am sad. My heart is broken! But everything inside me is telling me to, well, get over it! I joke with people about it all because I don’t want them to see me struggling. If I don’t laugh about the huge money pit farm he left behind, I’ll cry. I don’t talk to anyone about how I feel, not even Daryl, because I don’t think he or anyone else wants to hear it. I know that’s not true, but it’s still a big enough part of my mind that it keeps me from sharing. I only recently became able to mention trying for another baby again without getting a lump in my throat and tears burning my eyes.

But not only do I have this nagging feeling that nobody wants to keep hearing about how much I miss my dad or wish I was holding our 2 month old baby right now over and over again, I’m tired of thinking about it!! I get so frustrated with myself. In my quiet times (which, surprisingly, is quite often these days) my mind goes straight to my dad and all the things I miss about the past and the future with him. I don’t like to be all weepy – I’m trying so hard to be strong. I don’t like to cry or carry on about things that can’t change. I’ve been spending a lot of time in prayer. I’ve been wondering what exactly it means that he’s with the Lord…where he is, and how much he is aware of me, if at all. Yes, the quiet times are the worst.

Even our new house has become a little bittersweet for me. He was s’posed to come help us work on things around here the very week before he passed, and that would’ve been the last time I would’ve seen him. Instead, I told him not to come yet. Daryl would be out of town those days and we probably wouldn’t get enough done without Daryl to make it worth his trip, I said. If only I would’ve known just how valuable that trip would’ve become to me. Now, everything we work on in the house makes me think, “Would Dad have helped us with this if he had come?” I know that sounds silly, but most of my relationship with my Dad was working on things – building things, fixing things…now, every day I’m using all those things he taught me but he’s not here.

Almost everything I do reminds me of him in some way, actually. Vacuuming is probably the most random thing…he used to stay on me about how fast I ran the vacuum across the floor. “It doesn’t get clean that way!” he’d tell me, “Go slower & give it a chance to pick up the dirt!” Honestly, I never cared if the carpet was truly clean until I had a place of my own, I just wanted the lines to be on the carpet so it looked like I’d done it! Now, when I remind myself to go slowly no matter how much of a hurry I’m in, it makes me smile.

I have this picture on my desk of my family all dressed up as ladies and gunslingers from the ol’ west. It’s my favorite picture of my dad. It just fits him.

Now, seriously, have you ever seen anyone more suited to the gunslinger look? He would’ve made an awesome cowboy!

Man, I just miss him. I had no idea losing him would ever affect me as deeply as it has. I was so uninvolved with his life, and he with mine. We never talked, we never visited, we never called. How is it that nothing has really changed, yet there’s a space in my life that just seems so empty?

But, the title of this blog post is “Comfort” because that’s what I seek tonight.

“Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” – John 14:27

Lord, bring me comfort like only You can bring. Bring me peace despite my troubles. Help me rest in You. Most of all, tell my Daddy that I love him, and I can’t wait to see him again.